It can be very overwhelming when you first come on to the scene as a new submissive. It seems like before you even finish uploading your first profile picture on FetLife, your inbox is already exploding with horny men from all of the corners of the earth. With so many kinksters now relying on the anonymity of the internet to seek out new connections the likelihood of dishonesty can be ten-fold. If you don’t have your wits about you while looking for a new play partner can lead to some dangerous situations. I’m not trying to scare anyone off from talking to people on the internet, today I’m going to talk about how to stay safe when meeting a new play partner in your local scene.
First and foremost when talking to someone new, trust your gut. If something feels off, question it. If you’re not satisfied with the answer back away. You are never obligated to do anything, ever. Often in the pursuit of love (and play partners) good judgement is usually the first thing to go out the window. When someone is trying to woo you, they will pull out all the stops in an effort to get you to drop your defenses early on. Most of the time the person’s intentions may seem innocuous enough but there are some dangerous people out there who know just how to manipulate you into falling for their bull shit. It’s up to you to protect yourself but don’t worry, you’ll find that the BDSM community protects its own and help is there if you ever need it.
In the beginningIf you’re on FetLife or any kind of dating website you’ll know already that within minutes of making a new account if you mark your gender down as female your inbox instantly becomes filled with a mad rush of people wanting to welcome you. Don’t let this overwhelm you. They can wait.
Take your time to fill out your profile the way you want it. This helps you to flesh out what you’re all about and what you’re actually looking for. This initial rush of interested parties don’t know anything about you, don’t feel guilty about deleting the messages if they don’t take your fancy.
Once you’re set up fully you can venture out and introduce yourself to the local group. Now prepare yourself for the next big surge of messages. again many may be looking for wank fodder but occasionally you will find that someone is genuinely looking for a fresh, young female sub to take under his wing and train up to accept his collar. Remind yourself not to be so eager to play or take on a Dom that you accept the first one that comes along. If they’re the right one for you, they’ll wait.
I’ve been talking to this guy, he’s a Dom
So you’ve waded your way through your inbox and you found someone who sounds like what you’re looking for right off the bat. In every message he’s very complimentary and overly friendly. Maybe he’s already making long term plans for how he’s going to sweep you off your submissive feet and take care of your every need. Before you get too caught up in one person take a step back and see if he ticks all the right boxes (and none of the bad ones).
Do a little investigation before giving him any personal information. Does he check out? Personally I investigate anyone who sends me a message as much as I can before I send a reply. If its from a blank account I don’t even dignify it with a reply. Have a poke around their profile, that’s what it’s there for.
- Does this person have a profile picture?
If he doesn’t, what could he be hiding? If he does is it a cock shot? A serious Dominant would not need to put their genitals on showcase to attract a sub. A cock shot gives the message that they’re out looking for easy sex. Does the profile pic look like a picture stolen from somewhere else? Check the rest of their images, are there any pictures which could be them in there? Don’t be concerned if there isn’t a face shot available in their public profile, they may have a job where they need to keep their kinky side private.
- Do they have any friends?
If so, how many? Are any in the same area as he is or has he followed people all over the world so he can perv on their pics?
- Do you have any mutual friends?
Depending on the size of the community it will be hard to find anybody local that without mutual friends on your lists. Mutual friends will come in handy when it comes to finding someone who will vouch for this person. If you’re talking to someone further afield of course this may not be the case.
Dig even deeper
Ok so his profile checks out, now it’s time to check him out as a person. If you haven’t already start asking questions to find out more about what he’s like during play. Is he married or does he have a partner? Does he have any other subs? Why did he break it off with his last sub? How does he clean and maintain his equipment? Where will you both play? If he hesitates to answer any of these questions or worse, straight up refuses to answer… get out now! He’s obviously hiding something and you will want no part of it.
In the background this would be a good time to start asking mutual friends or local munch leaders about your potential play partner. Ask him for the names of some of his past play partners to see what they thought of him. Sure relationships fail and sometimes the parties will no longer want to talk to each-other but in the BDSM community it’s our responsibility to give an honest answer when someone is investigating a potential play partner. You may get an earful but try to separate opinion from fact. He’s an outright cunt! – opinion. He respects safewords, knows what he’s doing but could use more practice with rope. - fact.
Hello, I’m new to the area and I wonder if you could help me out. I have recently been talking with SUPERDOMMYGUYUSERNAME69 and we are thinking about meeting in person. Do you know him? What is he like and how does he treat his subs? If you don’t know him, do you know of anyone who does who can vouch for him? Thanks!
The run up to the first meeting
Ok so you found someone to vouch for him and you’re comfortable enough with what information you have found on the guy. You’re still not out of the woods just yet. If he insists on a play session the first time you meet or he wants you to come to his house/to go to your house then that is definitely a red flag. Someone with honest intentions will not mind meeting you at a munch or a cafe for the first time. Meeting in public is just the smart thing to do. Meet in public so that way if it all goes south or he turns out to be a predator after all then at least he doesn’t know where you live. Even better, you’re not trapped in his house.
Also, it’s a good idea to have someone you can call before, during and after your meet up. This is so that someone knows where you are and who you’re with. You can even go as far as to set up a code word or phrase to discretely signal that you need help or to call the police. Agree on a pre-determined time to check in. If you’ve missed your check in call (it happens) the person you’ve appointed to be your safety net can give you 5-10 minutes before they try to call you. It’s important to keep your phone charged and not on silent because if you don’t answer this phone call you may find the police breaking down the doors looking for you! For more information about Safe Calls read When Strangers Meet – Safe Calls and Why You Should Know About them, a helpful resource by The Dominant Guide.
If you don’t have any close friends on the scene yet and you don’t want to tell your vanilla friends what you’re up to you can always ask a local munch leader for help. If they can’t be your safety contact for whatever reason, they will help you find someone to be your safe call. If it makes you feel better then ask if a friend of yours comes along. If you’re meeting someone for the first time this shouldn’t be a problem if their intentions are good.
If in the interim between making the date and the actual date your feelings change or you come across information that makes you feel uncomfortable, you have every right to break the date. I’m not saying stand someone up when you make plans to meet them. Let them know you’re not going; make something up if you have to but don’t build up a bad reputation for yourself as a flake.
It’s go time
The day has come. Butterflies in your belly are par for the course. You’ve notified your safe call and you’re now sitting across from your next possible Dom. Once you’re past the small talk now you can get down to brass tacks. You should treat this like a job interview, as should he. Is he asking the right questions about you, is he answering all of your questions without defecting? What is his demeanor like? You should both be polite and calm with your answers. If he starts to loose his cool when you’re asking questions about his safety protocols or the like this is a big red flag. Responses like – “I don’t have to answer that question!” or “It’s not proper etiquette for a sub to ask a Master that.” are examples of backpedaling used to cover something up.
Is he demanding that you address him with a title right away before anything is set in stone? “You’d better call me Sir!” this is a tell-tell sign of a control freak. A polite and genuine Dominant will open with “Hello, I’m Darren and you?” If at any point he says, “I’m Married, my wife can’t know about us” RUN! That man will be more trouble that he’s worth and you definitely deserve better.
If things are going smoothly then this is the time where you can begin to negotiate boundaries and limits. Don’t let your guard down completely if you say sex is off the table and he balks – Get out.There’s one further step you can take to really look into someone’s past to make sure you’re safe. Use the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, also known as Clare’s Law to inquire if a potential partner whether romantic or D/s related has been arrested or charged with domestic violence. It doesn’t even have to be the participant in the relationship. a friend could call on the behalf of someone as long as the information was only shared with the person about to enter in to a relationship with the person in question. Sharing the information with anyone else would be against the law. Still, Clare’s Law is there to prevent domestic violence, use it to get the full story and peace of mind.
For more information about Clare’s Law read Clare’s Law: 1,300 domestic abuse disclosures made via the BBC website.
What if I need help?
If you find that your once charming dominant has become abusive either mentally, physically or sexually get help. Tell your friend, tell a colleague, tell a police officer, tell a munch leader. This is not the time to downplay things and pretend that it’s part of your role play. If you don’t feel safe, get out of there! If he doesn’t let you leave, there is help available you just need to speak up before it’s too late.
I hope this guide has helped you plan your next meet up and given you something to think about when it comes to safety. Nine times out of ten the people you meet are good natured and have honest intentions. It’s that one time out of ten you have to be worried about. Have your fun but be safe doing it!