Recently I was at a local munch and while the conversation at any munch can be varied. This time around one conversation ended up taking over the entire room and things got pretty heated. There was a follow-up discussion/argument on Fetlife which lasted about a week before the mods closed it all down. What was it that got everyone so riled up? The ethics of kink and choosing to be a Dominant who refuses to use safe-words.
Munches are great places to get to meet local kinksters, trade ideas, get advice, attend demos and just chat with like minded individuals. They really are a great way to let your hair down. You can pretty much sit at any table and strike up a conversation with anyone. A while back an older gentleman Dominant had visited this munch for the first time and dropped the bombshell that he has never used safe-words in his play and doesn’t allow his submissives to use a safe-word. That safe-words had no place in BDSM. He went on to say that he has been with his current submissive for over 20 years and they simply have an understanding between the two.
Ok great, fair enough right? What works for some won’t always work for all. If she felt threatened by this then she could just call it quits and leave right? Sure there were some red flags there but most people calmed their tits and let it go. This is where the real drama begins.
Turns out Mister I’m the Dommiest Dom of all of Dom-land and you’re all shit is looking for another submissive to join him and his established submissive. He is looking for a young female submissive who has no previous experience with BDSM. Someone pretty and thin and who has grown up without parents or close family, preferably an orphan who has spent most or all of her life in the system. She had to have no friends. She would move in with him and his submissive and ‘intimacy can and will be expected’ She would be expected to cook, clean and serve both him and his submissive and be trained to play hard – with no safe-word.
You would have thought World War III had broken out there in that pub that night. The comments that followed on the FetLife thread were flying fast and furious. Some reached out to the established submissive to tell her she is in an abusive relationship and that if she needed help getting out of there that she had support. Others left messages on the thread, on his wall and even on other forums on Fetlife warning any prospective girls he’s been talking to that the situation he’s trying to coerce them into isn’t a very safe or ethical one at all.
Now, who exactly is in the wrong in this situation and why? Is it the Dom who does not allow his subs the use of a safe-word? Is it the Dom because he’s sending out very worrying signs that he wants to prey on a young girl with no ties to friends or family and mould her into some sort of sex slave, or is it the Fetlife group? Fetlife is all about letting you live your kinky life how you like it without being judged and they are completely against naming and shaming.
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you’re meeting a new Dominant and something doesn’t feel right, speak up. If nothing changes or they’re a manipulative little shit then do yourself a massive favour and walk away. For more information please read my blog posts about Dating Safety in the Fetish World or Staying Safe When Meeting a New Dominant.