Meeting new people can be great fun and exciting but it’s best to keep a cool head and keep your wits about. This guide to safer online dating in the fetish world is here to help raise awareness and encourage you to think about how you approach meeting and playing with new people whether it’s at a munch, a fetish event, a cafe or even just online. There are a lot of things you can do to ensure your safety (e.g. tell a friend where you are going and when you will return) but of course there will always an element of risk in chatting with or meeting somebody new for the first time – whether you have meet them online or in a bar.
There are plenty of dating websites online these days that cater to the fetish minded. Whiplr is a dating ap which is like Tinder for kinksters. Some may be tempted to use this app to find a quick hook up but many do use it as it was intended – to get kinky people talking with each other. Bondage Pal, Fetster and Church of Chains are just a few examples of dating websites which were specifically designed for kinky love connections. Fetlife was designed to be more like a bar rather than a dating website – a place to meet kinky people and chat. This is why there are no built in filters such as finding females in your town who are into XYZ.
If you’re not feeling brave enough to set up an account with a BDSM themed dating website, the traditional dating websites such as Plenty of Fish will often allow you to search for various interests. You can either list things like bondage or BDSM on your profile so that others can find you or you can be a little more covert and use their internal search to find people with the same kinks as you.
I could just say ‘Use common sense’ but that’s pretty much a given. Once you set up a fresh new profile on the latest fetish community website , you may be tempted to post your best cock shot or a flash of vadge. Before you do, stop and think what kind of attention you’re wanting to attract. I hate to break it to you but a shot of your genitalia just screams that you’re out for one thing. You’re laying it out on the table (with an artistic angle and filter most likely) and leaving no mystery. If you do manage to attract a mate, you may find yourself wondering why they always expect sex when you honestly invite them around for a little ‘Netflix and chill‘.
Most people you find on online dating sites are sincere but don’t forget that your profile may be read by people who aren’t always as well-intentioned towards you as you would like. There can also be unsavory creatures about on the web who scan the internet for email addresses and other bits of information which are valuable when combined together with the knowledge of when you’re away on holiday. In order to help to ensure your safety and prevent identity theft it’s best that you do not put very personal information on any online profile, such as:
- Postal addresses
- Telephone / mobile numbers
- Email addresses
- Credit card or bank account details (duh)
- Date of birth
- Where you work
Chatting someone up
Ok so now you’ve set up your account and you’re ready to mingle. You’ve set your profile picture to either a face shot if you’re brave or another shot that tells a little something about yourself without giving too much away. On fetish websites it’s common to find profiles without faceshots. There are some kinky people in various professions and if it were to get out that the local judge was a cross dresser or scat loving gimp they could lose everything in an instant. Don’t be a dick and respect people’s privacy if they don’t want to reveal too much right away.
It’s always difficult making a great first impression. It’s probably not best to open up with, “Hey big tits, how about I cum all over your face and then you lick my knob for all the left overs?” If you find yourself writing ANYTHING like this then do me a huge favour and smack your face with a rolled up newspaper until you delete that shit. Start off mentioning something you have in common or compliment something going on in one of their pictures. “Hey, I like your pictures, that’s great rope-work!” or “Hello, I just wanted to ask you a little more about your listed interest in male chastity, I’m interested in it myself!
Let your gut feeling guide you and don’t continue the discussion if you think the other person may be lying or has inconsistencies in their story. If at any point they’ve made you feel uncomfortable by making any inappropriate remarks or if you just feel like something isn’t right then don’t feel obligated to continue talking with them.
If all feels good and well, by all means when you’re ready carry on and move forward to the next level and meet up in person. A lot of this will be a repeat of my guide to staying safe when meeting a new dominant but I can assure you that it is all very good advice for both situations.
The first meet up or the first date
So you’ve meet someone online and things are going swell. Great! Now it’s time to take that next big leap. You may feel invincible with this new rush of emotion but try not to get caught up in the moment. Keep your wits about you. Be sure to take your time and get a “feel” for the person before you meet in person. Talk on the ‘phone a few times before arranging to meet and meet in a public place where other people are present such as a cafe, a pub or a restaurant. Until you get to really know the other person, try to avoid accepting an invitation to their place at least until you know they are genuine.
In the beginning it’s best not to give away the location of your safe place, just in case things go south. Don’t get picked up from your home and try to provide your own transportation to and from your meeting place whether you drive, take a taxi or have a friend drop you off. Tell a friend where you’re meeting your date, where you are going and when you will return. If you’re playing it extra safe you can leave your date’s name and phone number with a friend, or where they can be found if you return late.
Not that you are expecting to be murdered or anything but as a safeguard you can send yourself an email saying where you are playing, with whom, when you will return as well as their contact details. Call a friend to say you are safe when you have met your date and have in place a “signal” that will tell a friend if you are worried and you need help making an escape. If you invite someone to your home don’t leave any valuables on show or leave your date alone – unless you know they are genuine.
Use your judgment, remember that you are ultimately in control of where you are, how you spend your time and who you spend it with. It is up to you to decide when you feel comfortable meeting someone for the first time. If they are not yet comfortable meeting in person yet then understand and give them ample time to get to know you.
You’re never obligated to go out with anyone, no matter how many e-mails or messages you’ve exchanged. Be honest with the other person. Let them know where they stand and don’t leave them hanging if you don’t want to take things further, it helps to move forward if you’re up front with them. If you don’t feel comfortable once you meet your date you can simply leave and go home – don’t continue if you don’t feel you want to.
If in doubt…don’t go out!